Mentally Exhausting

Why is it that I cannot seem to press the 'Pause' button in my mind? Have I just not found it yet? Does it not exist? Somewhere, deep in a crevice, there has to be a synapsis that can be stilled.......a current that can be short-circuited - if only for a moment or two. Surely, in a world blessed with Tivo and DVRs.....someone must have discovered the section of the frontal lobe that controls one's analytical thoughts.

I have been struggling with reconciling my mind and heart on a number of matters recently - what truly resonates with me? Sometimes I know....and sometimes I feel like I am wading through layers of gauze....I can make out faint outlines but can't discern the substance. It's the frustration that gnaws at me....grinding away at my peace of mind and making me question my thoughts and decisions from only moments before.

This isn't meant to be a downer post - - please don't think I am wallowing in depression. That's far from the truth. Just lots of decisions weighing heavily on my already busy mind. I have often said that my life is a huge set of shelves with hundreds of tiny boxes....I must compartmentalize - - and when I need to work on something, I pull that box down and dump out all the minutae contained within. I sort through it, organize it; I discard the immaterial and outdated...and add the important and urgent, tasking myself to completely solve all puzzles and riddles facing me. Then, and only then, can that box be placed high up on the shelf.......and another box pulled.

I 'lose' control when I feel that too many boxes need attention...when some fall off of the shelf and clatter on the floor, spilling their contents across the vast expanse of my consciousness. Every forlorn box on the floor only heightens my awareness that I must spend some time re-evaluating people, places and things.

So, here I sit, doing a mental makeover and wondering just how much I can discard without feeling bereft.....and pondering why I can't seem to just sweep it all under a rug and simply avoid it, like so many others seem capable of doing. I guess I just can't leave things unspoken - though my gut instinct tells me I am opening myself up for future pain. I can't leave things undone, because I thrive on accomplishment - it feeds my insatiable inner demons. And, as evidenced by this post...I can't leave things unthought of, either.