The Object of my Frustration

Wow.

So many things seem to have hit at once. I am alternatively exuberant and melancholy.....I go through stretches of the day, singing "I Enjoy Being a Girl" in that annoyingly perky 'Sarah- Jessica-Parker-shilling-for-GAP' way......then I find myself staring in the mirror, angling my face this way and that way - - searching for the first sign of crow's feet or bemoaning the little blemish that could. (You know - - - the one who made a token appearance and just won't go away.)

I have decided being a girl is not necessarily the most fun job on earth. Let me just give you the breakdown on what it takes for Unfortunate Serendipity to get going on any given day.

6:00
The alarm beckons - and is silenced with a thump, as I grumble semi-profanties and burrow back down beneath the covers.

6:25
The first tentative movements begin somewhere down by my right hip. The little bump in the covers begins to migrate upward.

6:27
The bump in the covers finally wiggles its way out. Topher stretches and yawns...then makes a perfunctory nip at my ear - and I swat him away.

6:32
Facedown in the pillow, the back of my head is repeatedly trounced in a left-to-right and right-to-left, 'bound across the bed' romp in morning puppy ritual. I briefly consider at what speed and trajectory a puppy can achieve escape velocity. Instead, I pin him underneath my right knee, against his furious, wiggling protests.

6:35
I doze....Joaquin Phoenix dozes with me. (At least he does in my dreams.)

6:39
I catch the puppy in a vise-like claw-handed grip as he attempts to buzz by my head again. I grumble "Negative Ghostrider, the pattern is full" as I drop his little red butt down onto the floor.

6:40
The alarm clock beckons again. I stumble out of bed and give it a couple of good backhanded shots, which only serve to increase the volume and knock it off of the nightstand. I leave it blaring on the floor as I walk unsteadily to the bathroom.

6:45
Once outside with the dog, I look down and realize that I am clad only in the thinnest of nightgowns - a cordial-red floor length, bias-cut, decolletage-baring number with a sheer back panel. I realize there are people outside. Oh, and it's a little nipply, er nippy. I will Topher to do his business quickly.

6:50
I am beginning to wonder if I could SQUEEZE something out of the dog.

6:55
I give up and pick up the three-pound dog, tuck him against my chest for warmth and coverage, and scurry back inside.

6:55:30
Topher pees on the carpet. I curse all shorthair German badger hunters.

7:00
After cleaning Topher's dime-sized contribution to the carpet, I hit the shower, scrubbing and lathering up.

7:03
I doze. Upright. In the shower. Joaquin Phoenix dozes with me. (hey, it's my dream.)

7:05
I step out of the shower and begin drying my hair. Topher is adamant that my ankles must be licked dry, lest I suffer pneumonia from exposing them to the air to dry on their own.

7:08
I stop to take a look at the frizzed-out mop of unruly red curls springing out in wild abandon. I resolve to cut my hair this week. Not that it will happen. I have been resolving to cut my hair 'this week' for the last four months. I make a half-hearted attempt to tame the tendrils, then declare that they add character to my bohemian look (what bohemian look?) and give them a coating of a silicone-based hair serum. Now it only resembles copper wiring wound into springs.

7:10
I give my first of many exasperated sighs of the day as I face the closet and thumb through the wardrobe for suitable apparel.

7:12
I doze. Upright. In the closet. No, Joaquin Phoenix does not doze with me. He's gone back to bed.

7:14
I finally settle on the outfit du jour. I iron a few pesky wrinkles, nudging Topher away as he tugs on a sleeve or a hem.

7:20
I emerge from the bedroom, tugging at cuffs and straightening my collar...and go looking for my stilleto-heeled black patent leather Bandolino strappy sandals. I locate the left sandal in the closest. The right sandal? It's missing in action.

7:23
Still in search of missing sandal.

7:27
Searching....still.

7:30
Notice Topher is also missing.

7:31
My analytical skills begin to kick in. Missing dog AND missing shoe. Sadly enough, I am more concerned for the shoe's welfare.

7:35
My impending Amber alert is not necessary. Missing canine and footwear are located in the northeast corner of my bedroom...under the bed. Canine is not too thrilled to have to relinquish his chew toy. I am not sympathetic.

7:40
I place the canine out on the patio, where he immediately goes into separation anxiety mode. He whines, nay - he screeches out his fears of abandonment, quaking in fear...positive that I am never to return - - WAIT! What's that over there? A pig's ear chew? He forgets that I even exist.

7:42
I exit the Villa d'Freeman and walk to my car, noticing that someone has parked perpendicular to my row and blocked me and three other cars in. I stew silently. The driver in the car parked beside me is slightly more vocal...honking his horn and yelling in the vicinity of an open apartment door. I didn't quite hear him...but I think he was making statements about the nocturnal activities that the driver of the abandoned car has with his or her maternal unit. I was too busy fiddling with the radio to care.

7:47
The abandoned car is reclaimed by its owner...who doesn't seem to care that there are three drivers blocked by his vehicle. I fear for his personal safety if he chooses to return to the complex. I am not particularly violent...but am rethinking my commitment to peaceful conflict resolution.

7:50
I arrive at the evil mecca known as Starbucks...where I am greeted in true 'Norm' from Cheers fashion. I think it's a sign that I visit my neighborhood coffee beanery a little too often. I don't even get a chance to open my mouth before someone does a call-out for my solo grande mocha frappuchino.

7:57
I whip onto Irving Blvd and make a charge to get ahead of the eighteen-wheeler who is bound and determined to swerve from lane to lane - like a drunken Shaquille O'Neal defending the basket. I manage to roll around the block and get ahead of him.

8:08
I arrive at work. And realize I have no makeup on. Forget it. I don't care. Lip gloss and mascara, and I am golden.

See? It's a comedy of errors for me to simply get out of the house.

Further proof that my bad habits aren't my fault

I found this today while surfing for some information on the 'net....and it brought back a conversation (or series of conversations) I have had with Zen about what I consider one of those horrible habits I have. As in 'open mouth, insert foot' type of bad habit. So, Zen, I guess I can blame it on the stars. If you're curious about what your bad habit is - visit this site.

Brutally Honest Sagittarius
Archers have a bad habit of telling the truth. And while these folks have the best intentions, that doesn't take the sting out of comments like, "Gee, those pants make you look fat!" or "Were you drunk when you wrote this report?" The best way for Archers to cultivate tact is through prodigious study. Etiquette books will definitely help.

In honor of Easter

Which happy bunny are you? I have always felt an affinity for this bunny - - and now that I have taken the test, I know why!



you are the cute but psycho happy bunny. You
adorable, but a little out there. It's alright,
you might not have it all, but there are worse


which happy bunny are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

As they say, 'Cute, but Psycho...it all evens out'.

Armageddon is upon us

http://www.walmart.com/catalog/product.gsp?product_id=2226075

The Peep Maker

I need one. They are, unfortunately, out of stock at WalMart. Alas, I shall have to don my bunny ears and fuzzy bunny cotton-tail and celebrate Easter in a half-hearted manner.

Oh, man....I think I may need some help here.....

Zen took the test - which made me wonder how I would stack up against my friends. Though it gives me the shivers...I took it anway.

Yeeeoooouuuuch. I didn't know I was this bad. *sigh*



The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Second Level of Hell!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:

Level	Score
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)	Low
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)	Very Low
Level 2 (Lustful)	Very High
Level 3 (Gluttonous)	High
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)	Very High
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)	High
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)	Very Low
Level 7 (Violent)	Moderate
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)	Very High
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)	Low

Take the Dante Inferno Hell Test

What is it with me and Friday Nights?

Give ya one guess what I am at home doing tonight.

You got it. Laundry. Geeeez....you'd think I do nothing but change clothes fifteen times a day. I truly don't...but I haven't been motivated to do it during the week. (Not to mention that I have been passing time with a certain individual of the opposite gender, out and about in Dallas. Darn social life - it's interfering with my domestic goddess status.)

Well, last night was fun - dinner with Blue Vertigo at Prego's on Greenville..then a quick trip over to The Barley House off of Henderson, to listen to a band and meet up with Liz, finally. Liz is totally awesome and hilarious - and hanging out with her and her friends was fun. I was just sorry I couldn't stay longer. It's just that 8:00am rolls around soooo soon for me.

Well, I shall continue my assault on Mt. Laundry. Zen's hanging out here at Villa d'Freeman this weekend, due to an educational engagement - and I am sure he doesn't want to have to slog through the jungle of clothing and the like that is currently covering everything here.

Oh - here's a shot from last night.....finally got my eyebrows done. Good gosh, they needed it!



Socially inept...but somewhat cute at times....welcome to my world.

My Little Piece of Real Estate out in the WWW

I finally did it. I gave into the commercialism. No more Blogger for me (well, in the future).

I finally own my own little piece of the webworld:

unfortunateserendipity.com

Watch for great things. Um, or at least mortifying stories about my exploits.

a GREAT Date.....What's That?

Believe it or not, Unfortunate Serendipity here actually went out on a 'date'. Yes, a D-A-T-E.

And, it was honestly the best date I have been on since moving to the DFW area. If he's actually reading this - I am going to be mortified. But, you know what? I don't think I care.

I kinda like this feeling of infatuation. Especially since I have a deep-seated terror of my heart being broken by a careless boy...and over the last year or so I have had to try to repress feelings and emotions when it came to members of the opposite gender.

So, I announce to the world....
When my phone rings - and it's him....I grin a little.

Friday Nights at My Place....

Yes, I am fully aware of the fact that it is shortly after 10:00pm on Friday night, and I am at home.

While all of my friends while away their evening at various locales in the area....I am curled up on my couch, determined to watch 'Vanity Fair' and finish cleaning the house.

Why the incessant housecleaning lately? Well, once again, I am getting a visit from (one of the) parental units. Dad should be here in an hour or so...which means I will have the couch again tonight. Part of me is seriously considering shelling out the money for a nice airbed....with all the parental visits I have been getting lately.....I have decided the couch just doesn't cut it for me. When it rains it pours.

Don't get me wrong....I am thrilled...I have so missed getting to see my mom and dad....and making a quick trip home is not as easy as it was once upon a time (when I lived less than an hour from the 'rents).

As for the automatic pee dispenser hereafter referred to as "Topher"....well, he's settling in quite nicely. We're still working on housetraining. Well...I am working on it...he's oblivous....still. I am soliciting sponsorships from Woolite and Resolve...for all the money I am spending on carpet cleaning supplies....they should be ready and willing to part with some money (or at least a few bottles of cleaner).

Case in point...the weather is not good for the hair.....

this is what happens when I get out in the wind

Bada Bing!

Lookie here. A post NOT about puppies.

Wow .... this weather sure has some manisfestations of multiple personality disorder....

"I'm gonna be warm...and lure Jeri into wearing a skirt to work!"

Then.......a couple of hours later....

"I'm gonna spit drizzle all over Jeri and cause her to freeze her gams off..that'll show her....she'll never wear a skirt again!"

Yeah...Mother Nature...here's to you. You can kiss my stubble-covered legs. They're all your fault. Thank you very much.

Say Hello to My Little Friend.....

Here she is....Godiva...or 'Diva' for short. (and that's Diva...with a long 'i', people).

Jill Stewart from Stewart Labs in San Angelo, Texas sent me this picture of my new 'child'. In her email she writes,

"She has the best "puppy eyes". They are still blue so I am pretty certain she will have the really light butterscotch eyes like her momma."

Diva does have some pretty blue eyes....hopefully they'll still be that shade when I get her. And I love gorgeous dark chocolate labs with those eyes the color of honey. And, hopefully she'll be better behaved than her dachshund 'brother'...who is giving me fits right now. I know that dachshunds are notoriously hard to train...but he's taking it to extremes.

Right now...Topher thinks his name is 'NO!'

Yes, I know...I have a life outside the dog. But let me revel in being a 'doggy mommy' for a few more days. Topher's in his big basket...which I covered with a blanket. He went to work with me today. Yes...

HE. WENT. TO. WORK.

With me.

Oh, gosh. I'm just gonna stop typing right now.

Ok....so he's got the cute puppy face. But, ladies and gentleman...I present to you....the peeing machine.

I swear, tonight alone, he has had an output of close to a gallon. I swear. I'm not letting him near the water bowl any longer tonight. He's doing it to spite me.

My buddy Zen is over tonight and I was hoping to show off the cute, precious puppy in all his cute, puppy-ish glory. All Zen has gotten is a performance of the automatic canine pee dispenser.

All this can be yours for three easy payments of $19.95.

Topher's rear end.....hrmmm....yeah, he's definitely my dog.

Isn't he adorable? He looks so innocent and cute. Yeah.
DON'T LET THE 'SWEET PUPPY LOOK' DECEIVE YOU!!!!
Less than an hour later, he was a little fireball, jumping all over the place and chewing on anything he could catch in his little needle teeth.

My mother holding Topher - - He's looking a little tired....

Can anyone remind me why I wanted a puppy?

I am exhausted. Exhausted.....in the 'I can hardly move, there are massive bags under my eyes, I have a pounding headache' way.

Whatever could have caused this? Try a teeny-tiny, two pound fur-covered bundle of energy.

Mom and Dad came through yesterday, bringing Topher to me. Topher, of course, is a seven-week-old miniature dachshund puppy. Or, I that's what I have been told. I personally think he's a demon-infested dervish of the highest order. Cute as a button....but cute doesn't help ya sleep at night. Especially not him.

Mom and Dad had my room...and my comfy bed. So that left me with the living room couch. I don't care what Zen says....I do not enjoy sleeping on the couch. Part of it might have been the puppy - which chose to use me as a jungle-gym and chew-toy. Between midnight and 5:45am....I probably got a cumulative total of FIFTEEN minutes of sleep. FIFTEEN. He played...he cried...he wanted down...he wanted up. We went outside to do his business....he drank water...and we went outside AGAIN...and AGAIN to do his business. He gnawed on my fingers....tugged on my hair....bit my ears and scratched my neck. (Wow...in any other context..that would have sounded like a good date. J/K)

Anyway....5:45 this morning, I marched into my bedroom, walked across to the bed, and dropped that two-pound canine right between my parents, who were sound asleep.

You know what that dog did? He conked out, right then and there...up against my mom. "Hmmm..." I'm thinking, "Could it be because he's played all freakin' night?!?!?!?!"

That's it...when I get home....he and I are gonna spend two hours playing outside. I am gonna run that flop-eared thing ragged.

WOW....aren't ya'll all glad I am not a mother?

In fear for their lives....

The dust bunnies underneath my bed have requested political asylum.

Since I am the despot who rules this little country known as XXXX N. Belt Line Rd....I am giving them the impression that I am, indeed, giving consideration to their plea.

In reality....I just realized that I don't have a vacuum cleaner any longer. The little buggers are safe for at least one more day, because I don't feel like going to buy one. And the vacuum cleaner I inherited from The Wired Monkey was borrowed by someone else...and I think it's gonna stay there.

/wants a Dyson
//doesn't want to pay for it
///realizes she's out of luck

Visitors

Mom and Dad are coming to see me!

Ok...they're not coming to see ME....they're passing through on the way to a funeral. BUT, still....it will be the first time they both have come to DFW together since I moved here.

AND, they're bringing my little puppy. The mini-dachshund. Topher. I just went and spent a fortune on crap for that little dog. He'd better be the best darn puppy, ever.

I am working from home right now - reconciling stuff from the office...and washing the sheets on the bed so that mom and dad can sleep here tonight.

Grocery Stores.....

I HATE grocery shopping on my own. It is a chore when I have to brave the aisles...the woman with four kids hanging off of the sides of the basket....the man who is oblivious to everything and walks into you no matter how many evasive actions you take to avoid him......

You know how it goes. Tonight was no exception. I have been feeling slightly lethargic all day long. Of course, none of it can be traced back to staying up way too late singing 'Johnson Grass Farm' and various and sundry other Elvis T. Busboy songs at the show last night. Nope. That has no bearing on it....or at least none that I will admit.

The show was fun. It was a great show down in Deep Ellum Blues. Good friends.....Zen, the Wired Monkey, TM, and one half of 'Wooke' (great name for them, Wired Monkey!) all gathered to relax and enjoy one another's company. I love my friends. All of them. And their quirks. Heaven knows...they put up with mine.

Today was fun, too....in a very slow way....Brunch at Ozona with Zen and Her Royal Fabulousness , except I kept zoning out. I am sure Her Royal Fabulousness thought I was taking valium or some other narcotic..Zen already knew I was useless today. I was just tired, had gotten some bad news the night before and was thinking of things I needed to get done when I got back home.....so, my apologies to those two. They deserved more of my attention.

Anyway...I was supposed to go up to Addison for sushi tonight..but my tummy gave me a stern lecture this afternoon. I am not much on fish...cooked or otherwise....and I want to make sure my first true sushi experience (I don't count trying it back in 1993 in D.C.) is a good one.

So, I took some medicine and tried to sleep it off. That did not work. I went to the fridge and opened it and faced that scene right out of 'Ghostbusters'.....remember that one? Sigourney Weaver's character opens her fridge and is confronted with a demon calling 'Zuul'. You can now find that fridge in Irving, Texas. Drop me a line and I will give you directions. With your paid admission you can also listen while I run my dishwasher...it has delusions of grandeur and thinks it is a space rocket.

I decided to finish clearing out the fridge. It looked a little sad..and bare. So, off to Kroger for me. Along with the basics (diet coke being a necessity)...I decided I was going to go 'lazy' for the next couple of weeks. I stocked up on pre-packaged dinners. Fifteen Lean Cuisines and Healthy Choice meals later I was out of there. (yippee! I got a free 12-pack of Yoplait yogurt. Wait. I don't eat yogurt. I can't stand the stuff. I am willing to donate it to a needy friend - - holler if you want it.)

It's been a whole week.....

and I am sorry I haven't posted. Working, live music...and the promise that my sis was coming to visit all conspired against me and kept me from blogging.

Well, the sis bailed. She's busy moving her business from one location to another. So, I was left with the other two -- working and live music. I have had plenty of them for the week!